Tantrum Tuesdays
“No!” “Gimme!” “Mine!” “But, I want it!” Cue full body floor meltdown.
Kids can have surprising amounts of strength as a tantrum sets off. It’s like one minute you’ve got them one-hip-one-handed like “NBD, I got this parenting thing down!” and the next it’s like you’re doing deadlifts at bootcamp… Any parents relate?! I know these elephant mommas get me!
Next time you’re dipping into Target for a quick spin and it turns into an unexpected trip to the zoo *cue: full elephant tantrum*, try this:
Stay calm, and parent on. Take a deep breath. Really. A full diaphragmatic breath. Doing so activates the parasympathetic nervous system (a.k.a. “rest and digest” mode), and limits the emotional reactivity characteristic of the amygdala. Trust me, though the fight-flight-freeze instinct is 100% valid, arguing/raising your voice (fight) grabbing your kiddo and bolting out the front door empty-handed (flight), or slinking away and silently praying for Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak (freeze) won’t serve you – in the moment, and definitely not in the long run.
Reflect the feeling. Yep, you heard that correct. Rather than reasoning, pointing out all the evidence that the emotion is a serious overreaction, or giving in (I get it – the temptation’s there! “Oh, just this one time – I’m exhausted, hungry, and I swear the side eye I’m getting from the rest of aisle 9 is enough to take me out before we even make it to the checkout line!”), try something different. Label the feeling. Naming the emotion signals you understand how they’re feeling, and models healthy emotional expression. It also helps with attunement and co-regulation. More on those next, but sneak peak: it means your kiddo will be capable of calming down faster!
Feel their feels, and find the underlying need. Attunement is connecting to your kiddo’s emotional experience – not just seeing their outburst and responding in turn, but understanding what may lie beneath the overt emotional expression and connecting to that feeling and related underlying need. Kid screaming about needing the 1,000 piece Lego set that was strategically placed for kiddo eyes on the bottom shelf of the aisle end of the personal hygiene department? Maybe they’re over the errands and needing more play time; maybe we’re dangerously close to bath, dinner, and wind down time, and they’re needing to get home and back into their routine; maybe they just straight up need to know you see them after watching you expertly multi-task grabbing item after item on the must-have lists while dialed into a late work call and using the oldest trick in the new age parenting book to occupy their attention – tablet time! The point is – it’s less about the Legos, and more about what’s underneath the Legos. A quick rundown of good old Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, and you’ll probably land at one or more of the underlying causes for your tot’s tantrum.
Physiological needs – is my little hungry, thirsty, or tired?
Safety needs – kids crave consistency and routine to feel safe and secure. Is the little one responding to a missed naptime, ready for bathtime, or missing the comfort of home?
Love and Belonging needs – maybe my kid is craving “me-time,” and missing the connection that comes with having my full attention. This is a big one as I’m sure you’re aware – tantruming is like the Disney Fastpass – skip the line, straight to the front! – version of getting parent attention. It may seem counterintuitive, but for kids “bad” attention is still better than no attention at all.
Self-Esteem needs – maybe the behavior is about asserting independence, a core developmental task for tots ages 1-3. Is your child looking to “I do myself!” To a kiddo there is very little logic as to why a 1,000 piece Lego set is a ‘want’ while deodorant is a ‘need.’
And, while the top of Maslow’s pyramid may be less-often the core need of an all-out tantrum, it may be helpful to realize how Self-Actualization needs manifest for littles. Self-Actualization at this stage is about creativity, problem solving, hobbies – reaching your full potential in the world of play and imagination! So, maybe it really is about the Lego set, and what it represents for their developing mind (#kidgoals). No, this doesn’t mean you have to succumb to months of teaching your kid respect and patience by tossing the Lego set in the cart and marching off toward check-out, but it may help to look at what toys and activities your child does have to foster creativity, problem-solving, and mastery through play.
As you work to understand where your kiddo is coming from, rather than reacting to their emotional state and albeit seriously embarrassing behaviors, you are modeling healthy expression of feeling and positive coping behaviors. And this is huge! Learning to recognize their underlying thoughts and feelings, verbalizing those sentiments and needs, and identifying the ways to resolve those difficulties is far-and-away one of the most important skills a little can learn. No, really – it’s up there with learning to talk, walk, and read! Higher level, developmental gold so to speak.
Emotion regulation – some of you may instinctively jump to this step first, and I get it! Seeing your kiddo sad/hurting, defiant/angry, or scared/anxious sparks a natural survival instinct to protect, redirect, or contain. And while these may be helpful parenting tools in certain circumstances – containment in general is an important element to creating an environment where your kiddos can approach you with their emotional experiences – if we move too quickly on these core parent instincts, we miss out on opportunities to create safe emotional spaces for our kids and teach them that emotions are not in-and-of-themselves something to fear, “stuff” (read: avoid), or “fix” (read: some emotions are ‘good,’ therefore others are ‘bad’ and should be changed.) So, alas – emotion regulation comes forth fourth! Co-regulation is a healthy dose of regulation for a younger kiddo – heck, even teens can benefit from it, though it does seem more crucial in the early years of their development. Self-regulation comes later. Co-regulation is about warm, consistent, and responsive interactions to model, encourage, and support adaptive modulating of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. That’s a bit of a mouthful, but essentially it’s developing age-and-stage appropriate behaviors for listening, body awareness, using their words, and problem solving. In the aftermath of a tantrum, co-regulation might look like soft tone of voice, caring eye contact, and reassuring words reminding littles of the support available – you! It’s 100% understandable that their all-out-screams bring up your own emotions – embarrassment, fear, anger, sadness, but in moments of intense distress they are looking to you for signals that things are okay. Taking a moment to acknowledge your own emotions, releasing any reactivity with your intentional breath, and then turning your attention to responding to your kiddo’s distress will do wonders to show them that even when things seemingly fall apart – there is safety and predictability in the environment. This teaches kids to have a healthy relationship with their emotions – and promotes the development of self-regulation as they grow!
For more, on tantrums, emotion regulation, and helping your little’s development, follow @currentmood_irrelephant.